When you lose a loved-one, people often don’t know what to say. They want to say something, but they’re just not sure what that something is. So, in an attempt to be comforting, they talk about the one subject they think might help. They talk about God.
This conversation can take many forms. They might say, “Well, at least she’s (he’s) in a better place now,” or “She’s (He’s) with God now,” or something similar. I know that the purpose is to make the grieving spouse or loved one feel better, but in my case it really didn’t, at least not at first. It actually made things worse.
Now, before we go any further, let me make it perfectly clear that I am a Christian, and have been for most of my life. I have worked in various aspects of the ministry for the past twenty-five years or so. I know what I believe and how I feel. And, to be brutally honest, right now, I’m very angry at God!
When people tell me that God didn’t kill Cindy, my thought is, “Well, He sure as hell didn’t save her either.”
When people say, “Death came into this world because of Adam and Eve’s sin,” I think, “Well, who created Adam and Eve and why are we paying for what they did? If I steal a car, my son doesn’t go to prison and then get a pardon!”
When people say, “She’s in a much better place now.” I want to scream and say “Yes, that may be true, but I need her here! We’re a team.”
I don’t know why God allowed Cindy to die. I don’t know if He couldn’t make her whole or if He just chose not to. Either way, we’re not on the best of speaking terms right now. I’ve invited God to come down here and talk to me about it, but so far, He’s declined my invitation.
Will we reconcile? Probably. Maybe someday. Not today. I’m still angry. I’m angry at the doctor who wasn’t there when Cindy needed him. I’m angry at the facility for not being up to the challenge of providing her with the care she obviously needed. I’m angry with me for letting her go back to that nursing facility. And, yes, I AM ANGRY WITH GOD!
Someday, God and I may be back on speaking terms, but right now, I don’t see Him as a “loving father.” Instead, I see Him as someone who let my sweetheart die and took her away from me. That’s going to take a while to get over.