There is one question I am often asked, in various forms, and often ask myself: How do I live without Cindy? Well, the short answer is that I don’t… at least not yet.
At the present time, I am not really living, not enjoying life. I am merely existing and going through familiar motions. I am still going through the routines that Cindy and I established over the years we were together.
During the weekdays, I get up, shower, go to work, have my coffee, do my job, drive home, watch TV, and go to bed. There really is very little variety in that.
The weekends are also very much routine. Kevin and I get breakfast at the same places Cindy and I used to go. We run errands and we go home and “putter” around the house. Sometimes, we do break it up a bit by going to see a movie or something. Yes, we are real party animals.
It’s really hard to start a new life and build new routines, when your heart desperately wants to be with the one you love. After all, how can you start a new life when you’re not even convinced that life is worth living? That is where I am right now. Don’t misunderstand. This is a statement of fact, not an emotional plea for help nor is it a vague threat of self-destruction. As I’ve always said, I love everybody but I love me most.
Someday, I hope, my heart will heal enough to allow me to move on. I won’t spend every minute thinking about Cindy and praying that God would give her back to me here on Earth. Then, maybe, I can start to “live” again, rather than merely existing. But that day is not today.
As I write these words, please know that I am not depressed or in despair. In fact, I feel very little. Sometimes (like this past weekend) my emotions come out in bucket loads, but most of the time, they are fairly muted. Right now, muted is a good thing.
Have a great Monday, y’all.