When you lose a loved one, especially a long-time spouse, it can be extremely hard to make changes. You just get used to the way things are (or should I say were).
That’s what I’m dealing with tonight.
Last week, I decided to move my desk into the bedroom and out of my “office” (a.k.a. the loft) for the sake of privacy and the hope that it might lead to some added productivity. Well, that required the relocation of several items in the bedroom and the packing up of others. Both activities have been incredibly difficult and I’ve found myself having to take frequent breaks to just lie across the bed and regain my strength and focus.
Earlier today, I cleaned off the top of Cindy’s night stand. Many of the items will go downstairs in our memorial cabinet (I’ll post more on that some other time). Other items were put in a box to go into the closet for now. Some items, which Cindy kept for unknown reasons, serve no real purpose to anyone but her and those went into the garbage. As hard as it is to pack up a loved one’s belongings, it’s much, much harder to throw things away. These catalogs and scraps of paper meant something to her and she kept them for a reason. Now, they’re on their way to a landfill.
I will say that I do not throw away anything with Cindy’s writing on it. Those scraps of paper go in a special wooden box and will be placed in the memorial cabinet. I can’t stand the thought of parting with those.
As the day has gone on, I’ve seen this bedroom become less “our room” and more “my room.” That makes me a little sad. I don’t want to lose all of Cindy’s personality in here. If the truth be told, Cindy had only spent one night up here in the last year. Following her heart surgery, it was simply too difficult for her to climb the stairs. Still, I always thought of it as “our room.”
In the time since her passing, we have made some subtle changes like a new couch for the library and replacing worn out appliances in the kitchen. Those changes didn’t bother me so much, but packing up the bedroom is more personal. This hurts a lot more.
It’s funny how you can have irrational thoughts sometimes. As I put stuff in boxes and clean out drawers, I sometimes thing, “Man, Cindy is going to be mad when she finds out what I’ve done.” Then reality hits and my heart aches a little bit more.
Well, I’ll close this post for now. I’ve got the permanent space for my desk cleaned up and I really should shut down the ol’ PC and move everything over there. I can’t wait to get my scanner and speakers hooked back up.
I’ll probably “see” y’all tomorrow. I hope you’re still having a wonderful New Year’s Day.