One of the most disconcerting aspects of life for me right now, is the way that once familiar tasks are now strange and sometimes a little scary. Here’s a good example.
Yesterday, after work, I stopped off at the grocery store to pick up a few things. I stopped at the store closest to the office because it is smaller than the one closer to home and that would mean less walking and, with my hip, that’s a good thing. This was a store where Cindy and I would go quite often. Usually, she would sit in the car while I ran in to get what we needed. Most of the time, I would pick up an order of potato wedges from the deli for us to munch on on the way home. It was a comfortable routine.
Well, I was walking through the store yesterday when it hit me that Cindy wasn’t outside waiting in the car and she never would be again. At that moment, I felt more alone than I’ve ever felt in my entire life. My knees actually started to buckle for a second. Fortunately, I was pushing a shopping cart and was able to lean on it until I got my footing again. The drive home was silent. There was no talking and laughing for I was alone. And, no, I didn’t get the potato wedges.
It boggles my mind just how often these little realities pop into my head. I can be doing something as simple as washing clothes – something I’ve done hundreds of time through the years – when the new reality of my life as a widower pops into my head and I find myself feeling lonely and, usually, a little scared (sometimes, it’s more than a little).
I know that the new reality will someday replace the comfortable life I am so very used to, but I suspect that these unfamiliar moments will still pop up from time-to-time.